Me (Kadin Malavey) rapping “Rap God” by Eminem
fuck dude, i’m in one of those “what matters in life?” moods.
*this is why people have priorities.
sometimes, i wish i was a “bad boy.” i wish i was a badass. i wish i had crazy, interesting life experiences. i wish i was cool and popular.
*as i’m typing these out, i can’t help but think of that old saying, “the grass is always greener on the other side.” i’m going to read about that quote extensively on the Internet now. first and foremost: I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON TO WHOM THIS QUOTE APPLIES AND AFFECTS. *it is fundamentally human to believe that someone else’s circumstances are more desirable than one’s own.
kadin revision to the quote: “the grass always SEEMS greener on the other side of the fence, but in reality, the best thing anyone can do is worry about and work on cultivating his own grass the best that he can.” **this is related to the wisdom that happiness is not getting what you want; happiness is learning to love and appreciate what you have.
that being said, why do i act like i have the worst dad in the world? let’s be real: do i have the best father in the world? no. he could have expressed his love and support more effectively. but do i have a damn good dad? yes. he has sacrificed an incredible amount of personal satisfaction and has tirelessly worked his hands to the bone just to support an ungrateful family. NO MORE! I HAVE SHED ENOUGH TEARS IN THE NAME OF MY FATHER’S PAIN.
the deepest emotional pain a person can experience is when he selflessly provides for and shares with and gives to his children, only to have them not care and complain and demand more. that’s a concrete example of the abstract idea “the more a person invests his time, energy, and effort (i.e. himself) into something or someone else, the more he stands to lose, the harsher his disappointment, and the deeper his emotional pain when that something or someone does not respond as
expected or yearned for.”
so how can i give back to my dad? i can focus on school, devote a solid chunk of time to my studies on a consistent basis, and get good grades. i can be respectful and grateful when i talk to him. am i mad that he threatened not to pay for my education if i majored in theater? yes. do i understand it? yes. he doesn’t believe that i’ll be able to get a job with that degree. plus, since he’s paying for my education, i figure he’s allowed to have a say in my major. am i annoyed that he thinks i’ll completely fail as a professional entertainer? extremely, but as he said, i can use that fiery emotion as motivational fuel—he can be the first hater i ever prove wrong. does it piss me off that he can be incompetent and generally lacks attention to detail? yes, but those are his own personal problems: who am *i* to tell him that he needs to change?
**in that vein, i must ask myself: who am i to tell ANYONE that he or she needs to change? i believe that each person can be whoever he or she wants to be. and i do believe that if a person is content with whom he or she is, i have no right whatsoever to say that he or she needs to improve, nor in what ways.
***it goes back to the “the grass always seems greener on the other side” message, sort of: i really just need to worry about cultivating my own grass as best i can.
that being said, i love you Dad, and you’re an awesome father, despite anything i may say in the heat of the moment.
i’m definitely about that feminist life. you know, the one that says some shit like, “men and women should be treated equally, bruh.” i’m not blind or delusional; i know that men and women are fundamentally different from each other. but it’s been a constant inner battle trying to understand exactly in what balance we’re simultaneously similar and unique.
this is a brief reflection on where my current state of mind exists relating to this particular gender dichotomy which will continue to develop and progress as i go through life:
Anonymous asked: I believe you have Asperger's.
I just read the Wikipedia article on it. I think it’s possible that I have it, but I don’t believe I display enough of the symptoms or emergent characteristics necessary to deem it a conclusive diagnosis.