Today is the day that I begin my implementation of the whole “growing up” thing. I made the decision during the last show that played during Coachella 2013, Red Hot Chili Peppers. As I stood there alone in a crowd in the cold, harsh wind of Indio’s desert, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “What is all this? What are we all doing?” I thought this was Coachella. I had expected a SoCal paradiso, filled with pure happiness and joy and that oh-so-elusive “never wanting to leave” feeling. But as I watched Anthony Kiedis on that stage, struggling for dear life to choke the lyrics I knew so dear, I thought to myself that this was not where I wanted to be. I had forgotten, yet again, that happiness is not getting what you want, but that happiness is loving and appreciating that and those whom you’ve already been given. I turned around and begun the long, arduous, epic and legendary shirtless trek back to the campsite as I said to myself, “It’s time to grow up, Kadin.” Life is not about fulfilling plans. Happiness is not about having the craziest experience possible and having it match your expectations. Anyway, I digress. I don’t want this blog post to turn into me being a negative-ass nancy about Coachella. After all, I had an excellent time overall and would not trade the experience for any other.
That being said, I’d like to flesh out one residual and recurring emotion. Mature adults to not harbor emotions, and it is unhealthy to do so. Basically, after all these years, I’m still stuck on my greatest high school crush. I won’t go into the details of mine and her friendship leading up to now, but I’m completely under the impression that she is my one true love and soul mate.
But I know that doesn’t make mathematical sense! I know that mathematics is the most universal language, and I know that there are no certainties in life, and I know that these uncertainties can be modeled by probability problems. From a probabilistic standpoint, there is NO WAY that there’s only one perfect woman for me out there.
But why do I insist that she is?! Because my mind always returns to her. I haven’t spoken to her in months, but she scurries across my thoughts on the seemingly most random occasions. I am insistent to myself that there is a REASON for all of this.
I guess that’s the heart of it, right there. I have these beliefs of soul mate, true love, etc. because I tell myself I do. I tell myself that I love her, I tell myself that I will do anything for her, I tell myself that she’s my source of inspiration, whatever! I’m too much of a weakling and coward to just admit it myself. GOD! I need to just let go!
That’s what it boils down to. If I hope to achieve the “growing up” successfully, I need to apply it to my life entirely. That means getting over this issue and getting over her.
Growing up means letting go.