Kadin's Mind

Anonymous asked: "You do not run from a bear because you are afraid of it, but rather become afraid of the bear because you run from it." What are your thoughts on that theory?

I don’t think it applies ubiquitously to all people. I think that some people are legitimately afraid of bears (for their lives). Unless you want to get VERY technical and say that the running away is instinctive, and therefore subconscious, and that the ego only consciously realizes what is happening moments later, and thereby that running away “causes” the fear. But that’s unreasonable.

Material #1

I don’t know if you guys know this, but my ultimate ambition in life is to become a professional actor in Hollywood, and do stand-up comedy for a living. Stand-up comedy is an art, and artists must refine their craft through practice. Thus, I have started writing material. This shall continue as ideas occur to me. I shall share my bits with you, so that you can say, “I knew him when he was starting out.” I’m starting to realize that if you want something in life, you have to devote time to getting it. Some things require more time and energy than others. Ergo, I am slowly beginning to try to incorporate my dream into my reality. Here is my first piece.

1)      I need to talk about masturbation for a sec. *pause* No, no, don’t worry, I won’t give you TOO explicit of details of what I do. I mainly need to share with you the benefits of doing it. Now, some psychologists, and maybe even some real doctors would say there are health benefits to doing it. It’s a biological need, like eating and drinking water. That’s why teenagers have wet dreams, and why some adults are such fucking assholes—they aren’t getting their release! Anyway, I don’t need to talk about that. I’m going to share a powerful truth with you all: Masturbation gives you a temporary superpower. Yes, you men will all know what I’m talking about when I explain: Upon ejaculation, one feels such shame and remorse for his disgusting action *pause* that the thought of doing anything with a woman…or even having a woman touch your penis…repulses you. This handicap—WAIT! This *ability* allows you to have intense immunity to female or sexual distractions! If you can manage to get off your lazy, post-jerk it, complacent-ass ass, you can harness this power and apply EPIC focus to whatever project you’re currently working on! It’s like natural Adderall, without the motivation. *pause* Drugs are bad and illegal. I do not condone their usage. Instead, just jack off! *incredibly cheesy smile and pose*

I need to work on the timing of my responses. Sometimes, I feel like I respond too much. Like, I feel like I’m one of those people who “always has a response to everything.” And I find myself responding to dumb things people say merely because I don’t want them to feel bad about making a shitty joke. Rather, I don’t want them to feel awkward. And there’s the problem! I should, instead of feeling obligated to be nice and fake laugh, embrace my hardcore-ness and simply not laugh or gratify something stupid with a response. If I were REALLY hardcore, I’d hit someone with a fierce eye contact stare as well as not laughing. I’m working up to that.
Basically, in general, I need to practice mindfulness and discretion as to when I gratify something with any type of response.

Letting go is the hardest part

Today is the day that I begin my implementation of the whole “growing up” thing. I made the decision during the last show that played during Coachella 2013, Red Hot Chili Peppers. As I stood there alone in a crowd in the cold, harsh wind of Indio’s desert, I couldn’t help but ask myself, “What is all this? What are we all doing?” I thought this was Coachella. I had expected a SoCal paradiso, filled with pure happiness and joy and that oh-so-elusive “never wanting to leave” feeling. But as I watched Anthony Kiedis on that stage, struggling for dear life to choke the lyrics I knew so dear, I thought to myself that this was not where I wanted to be. I had forgotten, yet again, that happiness is not getting what you want, but that happiness is loving and appreciating that and those whom you’ve already been given. I turned around and begun the long, arduous, epic and legendary shirtless trek back to the campsite as I said to myself, “It’s time to grow up, Kadin.” Life is not about fulfilling plans. Happiness is not about having the craziest experience possible and having it match your expectations. Anyway, I digress. I don’t want this blog post to turn into me being a negative-ass nancy about Coachella. After all, I had an excellent time overall and would not trade the experience for any other.

That being said, I’d like to flesh out one residual and recurring emotion. Mature adults to not harbor emotions, and it is unhealthy to do so. Basically, after all these years, I’m still stuck on my greatest high school crush. I won’t go into the details of mine and her friendship leading up to now, but I’m completely under the impression that she is my one true love and soul mate.

But I know that doesn’t make mathematical sense! I know that mathematics is the most universal language, and I know that there are no certainties in life, and I know that these uncertainties can be modeled by probability problems. From a probabilistic standpoint, there is NO WAY that there’s only one perfect woman for me out there.

But why do I insist that she is?! Because my mind always returns to her. I haven’t spoken to her in months, but she scurries across my thoughts on the seemingly most random occasions. I am insistent to myself that there is a REASON for all of this.

I guess that’s the heart of it, right there. I have these beliefs of soul mate, true love, etc. because I tell myself I do. I tell myself that I love her, I tell myself that I will do anything for her, I tell myself that she’s my source of inspiration, whatever! I’m too much of a weakling and coward to just admit it myself. GOD! I need to just let go!

That’s what it boils down to. If I hope to achieve the “growing up” successfully, I need to apply it to my life entirely. That means getting over this issue and getting over her.

Growing up means letting go.

Therapy 4-18-2013

Good morning, Kadin. Long time, no see. What brings you here this morning?

Well, I recently got back from Coachella, and my God, what an experience! I plan on uploading a video review of it within the week. But that’s not why I’m here. I want to know why it’s so hard for me to get up at 7am every day and go to the gym. I know I CAN do it, but I want to know what’s holding me back.

It is often said that we are our own greatest limiting factors. But let’s not jump to conclusions. What do YOU think?

Well…I’m not usually one to make excuses. Rather, I try very hard not to. So at the bottom of the issue, you’re right. I am my own greatest limitation. And when 7am rolls around and my alarm goes off and reality says, “Shit’s real now, Kadin. What are you going to do?” I just proceed to snooze that bitch, roll over, and go back to sleep. I’m lazy. I’m unmotivated. I’m a deadbeat loser. I’m a piece of shit.

Now, now. Don’t be so hard on yourself, my friend. Having the discipline to go to the gym on a consistent basis is a problem many people deal with. Do you have a problem being a part of the large majority of people?

Yes, I do. I talk all the time about how much I hate society. I openly reject most social norms and contend that our society is riddled with fake, superficial, lazy, materialistic people. And what I want, more than anything, is to set myself as far apart from these mindless sheeple as possible.

Then it would seem, Kadin, that your greatest challenge is to live as even greater an active opposing agent of society than you already consider yourself to be. In other words, keep doing what you’re doing, but practice what you preach.

Love Note

I have finally found the words to describe the way I feel about you. I can deny it no longer; no other woman has as profound a grasp on my soul that you do. On the loneliest nights, I find my heart screaming, nay, singing for your love. There is a reason my mind wanders to you on the seemingly most random occasions. You are ever-present in my thoughts, and try as I might to resist your magnetic pull, I simply cannot. You are my soul mate. Everything I do, I do it for you, to get closer to you. I want to travel the world with you. I want to explore the depths of Mother Nature’s mystery with you. I just…want to see you. I would do anything for you. I can’t stop dreaming about you. You are my source of inspiration, and I will not stop until we are happily sharing each others’ warm, loving embrace.