Me (Kadin Malavey) rapping “Rap God” by Eminem
fuck dude, i’m in one of those “what matters in life?” moods.
*this is why people have priorities.
sometimes, i wish i was a “bad boy.” i wish i was a badass. i wish i had crazy, interesting life experiences. i wish i was cool and popular.
*as i’m typing these out, i can’t help but think of that old saying, “the grass is always greener on the other side.” i’m going to read about that quote extensively on the Internet now. first and foremost: I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON TO WHOM THIS QUOTE APPLIES AND AFFECTS. *it is fundamentally human to believe that someone else’s circumstances are more desirable than one’s own.
kadin revision to the quote: “the grass always SEEMS greener on the other side of the fence, but in reality, the best thing anyone can do is worry about and work on cultivating his own grass the best that he can.” **this is related to the wisdom that happiness is not getting what you want; happiness is learning to love and appreciate what you have.
that being said, why do i act like i have the worst dad in the world? let’s be real: do i have the best father in the world? no. he could have expressed his love and support more effectively. but do i have a damn good dad? yes. he has sacrificed an incredible amount of personal satisfaction and has tirelessly worked his hands to the bone just to support an ungrateful family. NO MORE! I HAVE SHED ENOUGH TEARS IN THE NAME OF MY FATHER’S PAIN.
the deepest emotional pain a person can experience is when he selflessly provides for and shares with and gives to his children, only to have them not care and complain and demand more. that’s a concrete example of the abstract idea “the more a person invests his time, energy, and effort (i.e. himself) into something or someone else, the more he stands to lose, the harsher his disappointment, and the deeper his emotional pain when that something or someone does not respond as
expected or yearned for.”
so how can i give back to my dad? i can focus on school, devote a solid chunk of time to my studies on a consistent basis, and get good grades. i can be respectful and grateful when i talk to him. am i mad that he threatened not to pay for my education if i majored in theater? yes. do i understand it? yes. he doesn’t believe that i’ll be able to get a job with that degree. plus, since he’s paying for my education, i figure he’s allowed to have a say in my major. am i annoyed that he thinks i’ll completely fail as a professional entertainer? extremely, but as he said, i can use that fiery emotion as motivational fuel—he can be the first hater i ever prove wrong. does it piss me off that he can be incompetent and generally lacks attention to detail? yes, but those are his own personal problems: who am *i* to tell him that he needs to change?
**in that vein, i must ask myself: who am i to tell ANYONE that he or she needs to change? i believe that each person can be whoever he or she wants to be. and i do believe that if a person is content with whom he or she is, i have no right whatsoever to say that he or she needs to improve, nor in what ways.
***it goes back to the “the grass always seems greener on the other side” message, sort of: i really just need to worry about cultivating my own grass as best i can.
that being said, i love you Dad, and you’re an awesome father, despite anything i may say in the heat of the moment.
i’m definitely about that feminist life. you know, the one that says some shit like, “men and women should be treated equally, bruh.” i’m not blind or delusional; i know that men and women are fundamentally different from each other. but it’s been a constant inner battle trying to understand exactly in what balance we’re simultaneously similar and unique.
this is a brief reflection on where my current state of mind exists relating to this particular gender dichotomy which will continue to develop and progress as i go through life:
Anonymous asked: I believe you have Asperger's.
I just read the Wikipedia article on it. I think it’s possible that I have it, but I don’t believe I display enough of the symptoms or emergent characteristics necessary to deem it a conclusive diagnosis.
5) It’s okay, Kadin. You’re in a safe place. I’m not just saying that to try to lull you into a false sense of security. Look around you. You are alone in your room, your roommate is gone, and it is not likely that anyone needs to come into your room. You’re on your phone, typing into an extremely long, dense, private, obscure note. ONLY if you choose will anyone else see this. Oh my God. Knowledge = Golden. If you want to seem more mysterious, do not share your secrets with the world. Keep things, in general, to yourself more. You can be successful as a private person; there is no question about that. In fact, it’s likely that the two are at least correlated.
Anyway, that’s not what I needed to talk to you (or me…haha) about. It was about acting. Specifically, why it was so hard for me and why I sucked so much at it. There are a couple elements, one of which my inner voice is screaming at me at the top of his lungs: “You’re afraid to make a fool of yourself.” That is, you are afraid to allow others to see you at a point of vulnerability and weakness when you do something (intentionally or unintentionally: it matters. The latter is slightly funnier because it is more genuine. However, the former can still be extremely funny if done correctly.) that makes you look stupid. Kadin, you gotta not care about looking stupid. You know why? Because it doesn’t matter who knows your smart, Kadin. Maybe future employers, people you’re trying to do business with. Fine. That’s simple. You must be able to turn the switch on and off, like Alec said. That’s literally what acting is: Turning certain switches on and off within yourself in order to produce, with your voice and body, a character. Acting also requires the confidence to do and say what you know is bullshit. That’s also literally what acting is! Saying and doing things that you would not normally do as yourself, but behaving as if you had the mind, body, soul, genetics and experiences of another person. Acting is simply saying something with confidence (loudly, clearly, and unbreaking!) that you KNOW is complete and utter bullshit. Yes, it is lying. It is actually an occupation to lie convincingly, while dressed up in a costume, on camera. You can get paid, as a job, to “play pretend” on camera.
*Bullshitting is, by definition, improvisational, on-the-fly. If you have a false statement prepared beforehand, that is either an excuse or a lie.
Kadin, why do you have such a problem with bullshitting? Like everything else in this universe, it is neither inherently good nor inherently bad. Instead, my friend, view bullshitting as a tool, which involves risk to use, but if the skill can be perfected, can be very valuable. Bullshitting is a skill, Kadin. You can practice it. It is the art of “keeping it going,” then tying it all together to make it make sense.
6) Taking shortcuts and cutting corners are how scumbags do it.
7) I REALLY need to be about the “getting rich” life. If you’re out there TRYING to get famous, you’ll fail. Possible routes to getting rich: YouTube channel + many views, stand-up comedy, laying raps on tracks, etc. Pick something, go forward with it, and make it your thing.
8) Becoming a good singer: Learning to recognize which note a sound is, being able to produce a note (and hold it) at will, being able to transition from one note to a different one very fluidly, being able to match (what you produce) with (what you want to produce). Learn the anatomy and physiology of singing. Learn the different body parts involved and how they function in singing. Basically, it’s about having a storage supply of different notes and sounds and tones and pitches in your memory, then being able to recreate that note/sound/tone/pitch.
9) People are more likely to be open to you if you express “willingness to participate.”
10) “Believing in yourself” does not by itself lead to success. It must be combined with hard work, determination, motivation, consistency, focus, effort, willpower and concentration. “If you don’t release your anger in some sort of violent, explosive way, it will stay bottled up as negative energy and cause you internal problems.” = Bullshit. Anger should be dealt with, yes, but there is a more proper way to do it than blowing up and hurting something.
11) Even if someone pokes cruel, mocking, mean fun at your deepest insecurities, you must maintain equanimity; do not break. Do not give him or her the emotional reaction he or she is looking for. On that note, he’s right, Kadin: You have a tendency to be unnecessarily afraid. That is, even when you have no reason to be afraid of something, you still are. Why? Simply practice conscious awareness when you’re feeling held back and make sure that fear is never your only limiting factor. If it is, your failure can only rightfully be blamed on yourself.
12) Rational = what makes the most sense in that particular situation given all of the circumstances. Max Weber’s four types of rationality: 1) Trying to get something. 2) Staying true to your values/beliefs. 3) Caused by feeling or emption. 4) Purely by mechanical habit. *As soon as an analysis invokes any sort of personal feelings, emotional bias or internal response to instinct, it becomes irrational. **To maximize a message’s accessibility to the general public, construct it with a rational design, a consistently rational internal structure, and a rational mindset. Rational = Removed of all personal and emotional attachments and implied meaning. Rational = A functional machine. “Practical rationality is the strategy for living the best possible life, achieving one’s most important goals and his or her own preferences in as far as possible. Practical rationality has also a formal component that reduces to Bayesian decision theory, and a material component rooted in human nature (lastly, in our genome).”
Getting what you want = living the best possible life, accomplishing your most important goals, and achieving as much of your preferences as possible. Rational = making the optimal decision in the pursuit of a goal or objective.
13) I figure if you pay for something, you have every right to try to get everything out of it that you can.
Buuut that doesn’t mean you will! 😜
14) So yeah, why don’t you “go for it” more with girls? I don’t know when the appropriate times to go for it are! Well, when do YOU think it would be? Let’s see…when we’re alone + when the chemistry is positively flowing forward.
*It is awkward to ask people about what you are not sincerely or genuinely interested in. It’s weird to ask someone about something he or she seems interested in, then when he or she asks you, you’re like, “I dunno, I was just asking to be nice.” Like, everyone appreciates a nice guy, but no one likes a people-pleaser. *Only ask people about things that they seemed interested in that you yourself are interested in. Otherwise, just keep your mouth shut, lest you be perceived as one who tries to act like he knows about stuff but is really just doing it to look smart.
*When I feel defensive, I tend to shut off and go closed-minded mode. I will practice not running away in fear when I am under attack. THAT right there is my most fundamental problem: Fleeing when I am afraid. Kadin, when life throws at you an unexpected challenge, you have two options: Fight or flight. *I will practice mindfulness in choosing “fight” between “fight or flight” when life throws unexpected challenges at me. When life throws unexpected challenges my way, I will practice choosing “fight” over “flight.”
15) What is it that is so hard for you to do, Kadin? Why is it that you can’t act well, and why is it that you get such a strong, negative feeling when you can TELL someone is acting? It is the shameless pretension, the shameless pretending to be someone else, the shameless lying about one’s identity.
But Kadin, I thought the only thing that truly mattered was staying true to your SELF. I thought that as long as you kept things straight in your own head, it doesn’t matter what other, non-Self people think of you or believe about you; all that matters is the Truth, Kadin. As you have always heard, the Truth will set you free! I must be honest with myself: I do fear losing myself in character. I do fear losing myself and forgetting who I am. Like, what if I convince myself so deeply that I am a character, that I believe I am him for the rest of my life? Okay, just typing that whole thing out made it the irrationality self-evident. That fear is rooted in paranoia. You know which option is rooted in empirical evidence? Success that comes from letting yourself go is real. Success comes from the willingness to publicly AND shamelessly do anything. Success also comes from working hard, discipline, commitment, focus, and patience. I guess the addition is this: Confidence.
*What is “confidence?”
16) Every girl’s initial assumption about you (just to be safe): You’re just like every other guy.
17) Pussy: When asked about his opinion, will say something nice/filler/bullshit; will not stand up for himself; will do someone else’s work for him or her.
Dick: Gives his opinion when it’s not asked for. Tries to get pussies and assholes to do his work for him.
Asshole: When asked about his opinion, keeps it trill and harsh as fuck. Stands up for himself and others when he has to.
18) Never, EVER underestimate what a woman can handle. Kadin, their bodies were made to handle ridiculous amounts of pain (childbirth). They can naturally automatically handle ten times the pain it would take you your whole life to train to handle.
19) NEVER be too lazy to think critically! Here’s what will happen, Kadin: You’ll snap-judge an idea or a concept as “too complex to understand” before you even start to ponder it and mull it over and think about it, then when you start, you act like, “WHOA, I don’t get it! Big shocker! (Sarcasm)”
What you act like the reality of the situation is: “I’m too dumb to understand!” Or that your simple mind is incapable of internalizing and completely wrapping itself around an idea or concept.
Reality of the situation: You’re afraid to try, Kadin. You are afraid to put forth effort, try your hardest, and still fail. Why? I don’t like the feeling of disappointment.
Umm…no one does. And EVERYONE deals with disappointment. However, it is how you respond to disappointment that matters. Look at Lebron James! He made it to the finals (twice) and lost twice before he won. *Truth: No failure is the end of the world, unless that failure literally results in the direct loss of your own life. But you should be aware of that risk before “going for it,” so you can rationally completely eradicate the fear of failure. Okay, the fear is gone. The only other thing that should affect whether or not you “go for it” is if it’s a good idea, flat-out. Good idea + Not afraid + Work hard + Time = Success. Good idea + No fear + Hard work + Time = Success.
20) Life is a great big balancing act between sticking with what we know and exploring new and interesting things.
21) *Ability is never your limiting factor, Kadin. Your whole life, your weakness has been your lack of willingness to do what it takes to make your dreams come true. You’ve always been a “Nah, I’ll just…instead” kind of guy. But I must stay trying to be an “Oh? Hell yeah!” kind of guy. And you’re definitely not fake. You know that. However, your gung-ho “YES! to Life” attitude might be construed as fakeness or your “trying too hard.”
You know what? Fuck you if you hate on try-hards. Last time I checked, nothing REAL gets done if you don’t put forth maximal effort. However, what IS annoying is when the trying-hard is fake and pretension and an act.
*Given the choice between “try” and “don’t try,” you answer is simply the answer to the following question: Do you care? “Do I care about the object (or subject) that would receive my effort (or the fruits thereof)?” So if you ever find yourself asking, “Should I try…”, the answer is usually yes, unless you KNOW (not necessarily from experience, but that strongly helps) you don’t like it or that it’s not good.
22) Goldilocks and the Three Bears taught me some valuable life lessons. For every preference, there are two extremes: Too much and too little. A balance is ALWAYS somewhere between the two extremes. It is literally mathematically impossible to exceed, on either end, the extremes. Is there anything wrong with extremism? No, it’s just a lifestyle choice for the more obsessive-compulsive among us.
*Truth: Labeling something with the title “the” indicates absolutism in the perception of the speaker. Maybe it’s not THAT clear-cut, but using “the” definitely indicates a more absolute-ish mindset and attitude.
23) If a normal, average person says something that he or she honestly believes one of two things is true: Either the person is speaking Truth or the person is speaking bullshit. Why would the person say something bullshit? A person would say something bullshit as if he or she honestly believed it. If he or she honestly believed it, that means someone else was able to convince him or her that the bullshit was Truth.
So basically in order to assess the validity of a claim, a few questions must be answered and some facts made clear.
1) Who is the person making the claim? Does he or she hold a position of authority? What is this person’s history and background?
2) Does the person honestly believe what he or she is saying? (This is more guesswork.) Do they say it like they mean it? Do they say it with conviction and confidence?
3) What is the person’s source? Where did he or she obtain the information that laid the groundwork for his or her making of the claim? Or, more simply, from whom did he or she hear that claim?
Mathematics = Formal Logic.
*Critical thinking. What is critical thinking?
24) Looking for love, giving love, sharing love, doing nothing related to love.
25) Awareness = Know why you’re doing something + Know what you’re doing + Know where you want to go + Know what you have + Know what you want/need + Know what needs to be done + Know what’s going on.
26) *Important things: Truth/Honesty, Awareness, Consistency, Confidence, Critical Thinking, Humility, Love, Family, Identity, Self-Control/Discipline, Education, Knowledge, Motive/Intention, Reality.
*Knowledge = justified true belief.
27) Is there a distinction between active people and passive people? Yes. It is the same distinction that exists between type A personalities and type B personalities. The bottom truth, after much back and forth investigating and digging, is that *each and every person is different from each and every other person. Fundamentally, it is because each person has a different body attached to his or her mind. “Attached” does not feel right. Each person has a different body associated with his or her mind. As a result, each mind will have a different set of expressed genetics (body, appearance) and set of experiences (Life). However, all people are human. All people share the Human Condition.
*The Human Condition is the constant struggle to reconcile “what we believe to be reality” with reality.
28) When dealing with others, it is ALWAYS better not to generalize and to take each individual circumstance into consideration. “You ought not to generalize. Simply play each situation by ear!”